


The Crying Game

by AstraBabe



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 09:38:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3973201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstraBabe/pseuds/AstraBabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peggy relives a moment from during the war and takes it out on someone she never intended to- someone she never could dream of hurting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Crying Game

**Author's Note:**

> So the lyrics from Nicki Minaj's The Crying Game inspired this terribly angsty fic. It deals heavily with Intrusive PTSD and I hope to at least represent it accurately. The italics are meant to represent thought and emphasize speech.

“Peggy?”

“ _Peggy_!”

Margaret Carter had graduated from the top percentage of her military class. She could remove guns from an assailant without batting her lashes. But in this moment, when she was alone in the Russian territory’s base camp, she found herself pinned to concrete. Seconds ago she was livid and still had the fight in her. Yet those feelings were washed away when her legs were swiped out from under her and she was met with swift knee to the chest. The wind was forcibly knocked from her lungs with a sputtering cough, leaving her gasping. The single second she was unguarded was all it took for whoever she was fighting bury her face into the concrete and its light dusting of snow. She willed herself to resist and struggled under the attacker’s heavy handed grip, only managing to flip over and catch a brief glint in the darkness. Her eyes widened and she was suddenly hyper-aware of everything. The exposed flesh of her neck burned in preparation. Her blood stopped flowing as she felt it become thick and stagnant in her veins like lead. A menacing terror shot through Peggy's leaden veins and panic alerted the other parts of her body. Her lungs allowed one final sharp inhale before the last breath clattered around her rib cage. There was a strange feeling in her chest, too. It felt like a tiny, panicked songbird being rattled in its cage-an apprehensive horror. She knew what would come next but she didn’t want to acknowledge it until the winking blade was lowered to her skin. It was pressed gently to her neck, almost like a feather. She couldn’t scream but the singing in her chest rang through her whole body: _I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die_. Peggy closed her eyes slowly, relishing the last glimpse of the world albeit a shitty one. She was ready.

In the fugitive moment she had between this world and the next, the only sound or movement was that of the snow falling to the ground. It was the successive hush following death. A lone gunshot reverberated through the compound.

“Peggy?”

….

The shot kicked Peggy out of her own head and back into the moment as its ring echoed through her ears. The cold lead in her veins jump-started, quickly turning molten and coursed through her body. Peggy’s hand flew to her neck while taking in large gulps of air. She wheezed and braced to hear the air whistling from the inevitable slit in her neck. A gnashing of nails and fingers clawed at her throat searching for the hot sting of blood. There was none. 

“Jesus Christ, are you okay?” one of her comrades shook her by the shoulder. She swiftly punched him and scrambled back towards the wall of the compound. She sat straight backed to the icy brick with a hand clasped around her throat.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” the man yelled cradling his injured nose. No words came to Peggy. She sat with eyes as wide as the moon, and chest heaving shakily.

“Are you guys oka- _woah what happened_?”

“She punched me!” Peggy swung her gaze from person to person, still trying to understand what was going on. The event from moments before was still registering in her mind, making this scene all the more difficult to process. She was only now feeling the adrenaline response that would have been helpful while rendered motionless under the grip of the assailant; her brain was switching between fight or flight, so when her comrade shook her by the shoulders something clicked.

“Jesus, Peg what happened to you?”

“Someone was on top of her and I shot them. I tried helping her up but she punched me.”

“Dumbass, she was probably still shocked.” The man turned towards her now, arms outstretched in caution.

“You okay?” The voice. She trusted this voice. “Are you hurt, Peg?” It was Dougan.

She shook her head and slowly rose to her feet.

…

Angie entered the living room after hearing something moving around from upstairs. She looked around trying to take in the entire scene. There were things scattered all over the floor but there were no pools of blood or perceivable bad guys. After looking the room over for a threat, she only noticed that Peggy seemed not quite right. She was rather dazed and held her throat. Her breath was rapid and shallow as she turned her head wildly to scan the room. Peggy did not look good at all. She noticed even more so when Peggy’s gaze passed over her own in the dark, sending a chill down her spine. There was no familiar twinkle in eyes. Her brown eyes hid an unpredictable fire and her gaze extended beyond the walls. Angie had never seen this look on Peggy before. Having lived with her for so long, she’d seen Peggy get frustrated and tired and mad. She had never looked like she had now, though. Angie approached her slowly from the shadows. Peggy didn’t look at her or even seem to notice her until she stepped on something lying on the floor. Suddenly, Peggy’s gaze shot straight to Angie without wavering. Angie relaxed then, thinking whatever momentary distress there was had now been dispelled.

“Jesus Pegs, are you okay?” the words floated around in Peggy’s head. Angie walked towards her but Peggy pulled away instantly.

“ _Don’t touch me_!” she barked

“Why is your arm bleeding?” Angie’s hand reached out to touch Peggy’s arm. The movement caught her eye and Peggy doubled backwards into the counter’s edge.

“ _No_!”

“What’s going on? You’re scaring me!”

The walls began to close in on Peggy and her throat tightened. Her hands trembled along the counter for something, anything, she could use as a weapon. Angie turned, preparing to take a step closer to her housemate, as a fist cracked through the air and landed squarely on her jaw. It sent her back, hands flying along the counter top and pulling the dish rack to the floor between them. The swing of the punch made Peggy realize how unbalanced she was as she stumbled backwards into the cabinet doors and then to the floor. Angie reeled back into the kitchen table while her hands desperately clutched her face. The light from the moon outside was just enough to illuminate Peggy’s features through the threatening blur of tears. There was neither anger nor recognition in her eyes. There was only unbridled fear. Quiet tears began to stain Angie’s face.  
…

There she was, back pressed to the walls of the compound all over again. Was she going to die again? And where was the gunshot? It was taking too long this time. _Sniffling. That’s new. There was no crying the last time_.

“Oh my god…” a voice cracked coming from around the corner or maybe the woods. It was distant, but it wasn’t alien to her ears. 

“Peggy…” it pleaded. It didn’t sound shrill or venomous. The voice was wet with tears, and melancholy; it was somewhat sweet, too. Awfully sweet for tears, in fact. It was a frosted sweetness that she could only remember in pastries like pie glazes. The bullet didn’t come but she started to be pulled away from its necessity to end the feeling of lead clogging her veins. 

“Angie?” she blinked rapidly, finally removing one of her hands from gripping her throat. She could breathe again. Angie looked at her now, she was terrified.  
“Is-is this all real?” she held her hands in front of her face just to check. There they were, her own two, pale hands, free of any crimson stain. She looked from her hands to Angie, shuddering on the ground with hands covering her face. There was no blood but the uncovered part of Angie’s face was racked with pain. _What happened? What did I do?_ Everything was foggy. She remembered right before was real and right now was real but in between wasn’t. She was in Russia for what felt like forever only just a moment ago and now she was back here. She was back in 1946 in the kitchen of Howard Stark’s mansion a few feet away from a tiny Italian waitress. _What did I do?_

Ignoring the glass of shattered plates, Peggy sheepishly moved onto her hands and knees and crawled over to her friend.

“Angie?” Peggy asked in a timid voice. Angie looked up; her gaze softened when it fell upon Peggy but she was still scared.

“You hit me.”

“What?” Peggy croaked.

“You- you hit me. In the jaw.” Angie wasn’t crying anymore but was still clearly shocked. Peggy was almost as horrified as she was moments ago. Why would she punch Angie, the lovely, upbeat and personable little Italian waitress who was nothing but sweet to her? She would never hurt Angie. She was sure of it...right? But all Angie had to do to confirm Peggy's doubts was lower her hand from her jaw. Under it, she revealed a giant ugly bruise forming on its underside. Still, even with proof, Peggy couldn’t believe it and subconsciously shook her head. _No_. Then, a gentle, trembling hand gingerly reached out to Peggy's hand and guided it to the purpled skin. The brunette’s eyes widened and she pulled her hand away to cover her mouth. _Dear god, it was real._


	2. The Night Is Still Young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being strong isn't building walls, its knowing how to take them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this one is named after another Nicki Minaj song...oops ((not sorry))  
> let me know what you think <3

“No” she pleaded “I’m so sorry.” Peggy started trailing off.

“I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t mean to do this. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you-“ she was tumbling over her own words.

“Peggy…”

A sob racked Peggy’s body “I was in Russia. I thought they were trying to hurt me again. I didn’t think it was you. I didn’t know it was you. I’m so sorry, oh god.”  
The tears fell heavily down her face now. She had been so afraid after the first time she’d had one of these flashbacks that she’d hurt somebody. Her gripping fear now a reality welled up in her chest like a balloon. Crying harder didn’t help though, it made it worse. Peggy’s chest tightened, making her breathing return to its formerly shallow and erratic state. Everything was closing up again. Her heart beat- she couldn’t discern it from a rapid beat or just one continuous spasm. It felt like a gun unloading a clip in her chest. She curled tighter into herself, almost hoping to crumble and disappear. Here she was, the strong and brave Margaret Carter, a stuttering, weepy mess curled up on the kitchen floor. Not only did she hate reliving the terror and pain of nearly dying, she hated how it forced her to relive that same vulnerability, a part of herself she thought she killed. It would spring up with vague clues sometimes. Metallic smells, a snowy sidewalk, and the smell of cold all threatened to bring these memories back. Most times she could keep the thoughts at bay but sometimes she’d awaken with the feeling of a weight on her chest and knew the episodes were unavoidable. She wouldn’t admit it but she was afraid. Afraid of having to re-experience the moment and afraid she’d do something terrible while caught up in her past. The memories replayed and suddenly everything else around her became the cold Russian wilderness and the lone assailant. She would lose touch with what was really happening until she blinked back into the current moment. And this time, she had hurt someone, someone she reluctantly let herself love, and it was all too much. She was certain she’d never open her eyes again. She never wanted to see what had happened to her or what she had done to Angie.

A startlingly warm flash of color blinked behind her closed eyes. It was the first thing she noticed before she felt kind lips meet her forehead and then two glowing hands delicately holding her cheeks. This surprised Peggy, to say the least. It momentarily halted the onslaught of tears and numbed the panic, though didn’t quell them completely. She still had her eyes closed. 

“Peggy I-“ the brunette braced herself. Angie hesitated. 

Angie released a captive breath “I know you didn’t mean it, at least I hope so anyway.” she let out a pitiful laugh but quickly sobered her tone. “I want to be honest with you: you hurt me. I was scared even before you hurt me. You didn’t seem like yourself…but I know you didn’t mean it. I don’t think you were hitting me, you were hitting the bad guys like you’re supposed to... You were scared too right?”

Peggy nodded quickly.

“An’ I don’t know what it was you saw or what you were feeling but you’re safe now. You’re safe here. You’re not in Russia like you said. I got you now.” Angie wrapped her arms around Peggy’s quivering frame.

This stunned her into a silence that hung between them awkwardly.

“And I love you.” Angie blurted.

She lifted her head now and opened her eyes cautiously. Angie’s face was a mess with her smeared mascara, puffy red eyes, and a growing bruise. This night had taken a toll on her and it showed in her face. Peggy didn’t even want to think about what she currently looked like.

“What?” Peggy had heard her clearly. She’d never thought she’d hear this from a girl she loved, yet alone one she just hit.

“I just- I always have” Angie shrugged. Angie wanted to cry but she was fresh out of tears “ and I know I’m not ‘sposed to because it’s wrong blah blah blah, but I do.” Angie unlatched her arms from around Peggy and sat back, rubbing at her eyes “and I don’t expect you to feel the same. It wouldn’t matter right now if you didn’t.” the waitress clenched her jaw as she said this part.  
“I just want to take care of you. You’re a good friend and I want you to feel safe and happy. I want you to know it’s okay to have some walls down, y’know? You don’t have to be guarded and stoic to be strong. It’ll only hurt you.” 

Angie didn’t make eye contact with Peggy. She wasn’t expecting a response so she silently moved to her feet and helped Peggy wobble over to the couch. Peggy’s body was recouping and her mind was just about fried with everything that had transpired. However, the alarm in her died down. Softer, newer words buzzed around in her head: “ _I love you…I love you…I love you_ ”. Peggy didn’t smile or blush at them, though. She instead felt the extent of the word’s meaning in her chest. It was a feeling apart from the frantic scrambling heartbeat but it wasn’t bad. It was airy and fuzzy and felt nice taking up home there. She didn’t notice the sink running in the background or the sound of Angie rummaging through the cabinets during this time for she was too focused on the warm static in her chest.

Angie came back over with a bottle of peroxide and wet towel.

“Can I see your arm?” 

She responded with a brief ‘ _mhmm_ ’ 

The towel dabbed at the cut on Peggy’s arm and soaked up the dried blood. When Angie asked to use the peroxide Peggy didn’t flinch at the sting. The new feeling…she knew what it was but she had a way of avoiding her feelings and avoiding realizing them. She hadn’t felt this way since Steve. The unbearable lightness was good but it was dangerous, too. It was another piece of flesh she’d have to expose to the world, another broken barrier and downed wall. Peggy would have to decide if she could do this. 

“Angie” it was the first calmly spoken word she’d said all night. The waitress’s gaze was pointedly turned away from Peggy’s face and fixed on the floor out of shame.  
“You can look at me, you know” 

The blonde looked up in uncertainty of what would come next. A gentle hand reached out to Angie’s, a return of the kind touch from before. Peggy leaned in close to Angie and pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of her mouth. She lingered there for a moment.

“I love you, too.”


End file.
